Episode 1: Budweiser Chelada


Product: Chelada (Budweiser premixed with Clamato juice)
Produced by: Anheuser-Busch
Alcohol Content: 5% ABV
Location Purchased: Wal-Mart
Price Paid: $5.97 for a 4-pack

We picked this up at our local Wal-Mart, and knew before we even tasted it that was going to be a bad idea. Now, apparently, this sort of beverage is very popular in a lot of Latin American communities. The name of the product comes from the word michelada, which is what the drink is known as in various Latin American countries. The preparation can vary slightly depending on the region, but generally it consists of a mixture of beer, tomato juice, worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, and a lime wedge. And you know what? Chances are that this drink, when properly prepared by a human being might actually be kind of decent. But this factory-processed sludge in a can? This we cannot abide.

We drank our Chelada ice-cold, poured from the can into large wine goblets so that we could fully appreciate the color of the beverage. The Chelada was a delicate shade of dead fetus pink, pocked with gritty sediment that sparkled maliciously in our general direction. As soon as we cracked open the can, the stench rose into the air like swamp gas. It smelled of gunmetal, ketchup, and flat beer. And we knew we were in trouble.

All of the courage we had managed to muster withered completely once we smelled the Chelada wafting through our kitchen. Somehow, we tapped inner reserves of strength, and drank our first tentative sips.

Poor Tory.

Tucker just looks devastated.

Oh, the horror. Our stomachs clenched, our mouths puckered, and we hated ourselves.

Clam. So. Much. Clam. All we could taste is clam juice, clam shell, what was likely clam guts and clam urine. It was also a little beery, a little tomatoey. And then, we burped, and we could taste it again. The thought that this substance was now inside of our bodies, like an insidious tapeworm, made us feel ill. ”Good god,” we thought, ”What the hell is clam juice, anyway?”

We frantically ate Doritos after the camera stopped rolling to cleanse our palates. And then we subjected some of our closest friends to the remaining dregs. The results were the same across the board, as the photos will attest. Erin.
Randy is going to hunt down whoever made this drink and cut them.As a police officer, Jen has seen worse things than this. But she is still deeply unnerved.

In the words of one taster, “Oh my god! Does this have dead baby in it?”

3 responses to “Episode 1: Budweiser Chelada

  1. Erin "Skal!" Creley

    You know what should be the new name for this “drink”? Crimson Tide. Not only is the color not far off (care to top it off with a fine ruby Port?) but it brings with it a wave of mind-melting, stomach-wringing, colon-cleansing, killer clams.

    Keep up the good work and always keep the number for poison control close at hand!

  2. Pingback: Episode 3: Pizza Beer (and a surprise bonus booze!) « T & T's Bad Booze Review

  3. I hope you threw those glasses away.

    There are many reasons to be vegetarian. Chelada is perhaps one the best. Being a veghead just might possibly save your life.

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