We’ve just purchased a bottle of Jeppson’s Malört, a terrifying concoction that seems to only be popular in the great Chicago area. We have heard nothing but horror stories about this nasty little drink and we can’t wait to get our hands on it.
Here is an excerpt from the actual text on the label, courtesy of Wikpedia: “Most first-time drinkers of Jeppson Malort reject our liquor. Its strong, sharp taste is not for everyone. Our liquor is rugged and unrelenting (even brutal) to the palate. During almost 60 years of American distribution, we found only 1 out of 49 men will drink Jeppson Malort. During the lifetime of our founder, Carl Jeppson was apt to say, ‘My Malort is produced for that unique group of drinkers who disdain light flavor or neutral spirits.’ It is not possible to forget our two-fisted liquor. The taste just lingers and lasts – seemingly forever. The first shot is hard to swallow! PERSERVERE [sic]. Make it past two ‘shock-glasses’ and with the third you could be ours…forever.”
The AV Club sampled some at the request of John Hodgman back in late 2008. Their reactions were not unlike those who had been caught in an atomic blast, or those who had watched their parents killed before their eyes. A sampling of the reactions:
“It tastes like poison. Real poison.”
“It’s been a few minutes now, and I still kind of have the shakes. That’s a bad sign.”
“It’s exactly like eating a tire fire.”
God, we can’t wait to taste this.